The transformative practice of the Circle Way
Today I want to share my experience and tell you about:
- The basics of the Circle Way as a tool/method
- The effects I noticed on myself after over one year
- The backstory of how I got to know it and practice it
The Circle Way in a nutshell
The basic idea is simple: in the circle, everyone is equally important.
The circle way is meant to strengthen relationships and foster a sense of community, held together by a shared set of values and agreements.
The fundamental value is respect for all beings of creation. As for the agreements, people who participate in a circle will usually pledge to:
- Share time equally so that each member is fully seen, valued, and listened.
- Listen actively, without interrupting and abstaining from moral judgement.
- Speak from the heart, in the first person, only about their own feelings.
- Keep everything confidential and don’t bring it up outside the circle.
That’s the gist of it, and the rest is up to the people who sit together. There usually is a facilitator or moderator, but that’s not even strictly necessary.
The way I’ve seen it, there are a few “ritualistic” elements, such as a “talking stick” (actual or symbolic) to be held by the current speaker and conventional signals to express non-verbal approval or even ask for an interjection.
Participants can suggest discussion topics and guiding questions, for a more thematic approach. Or there may be no particular topic, and everyone would just talk about what they deem important at that moment.
It may seem silly, but it’s powerful. And it works. I’ll elaborate soon enough.
Before that, I just wanted to point out that what I have experienced in various forms stems from traditional wisdom of native elders throughout North America.
On circleway.org you can find more information about the vision behind it and the people who helped spread it.
The greatest number of problems facing us are caused by us and could be eliminated by us at once, yes, this very moment by simple agreements that all of us could comprehend by paying attention to each other.
—Manitonquat
Reasons why I love the circles
Short, condensed answer: they connect me more deeply with myself and others.
But here’s some specific things, in no particular order:
- I can practice listening and patience.
- Others are a mirror, and I am a mirror to them.
- It’s a place to shift from the brain to the heart.
- My contributions are equally valued and important – not more, not less.
- We can show vulnerability, as much or as little as we feel comfortable to.
- Your time is your time: you can talk, you can dance, you can sit in silence.
As much as I love lists and brevity, I am unable to fit everything in there. So I’ll indulge myself for once and expand freely on the above.
One thing that gets obvious very quickly is that it is so uncommon in everyday life to speak without being cut off and to actually listen to others.
Being aware of it is the first step, but what I really love is that practicing good communication in the circle makes it easier to put it in practice outside.
As a matter of facts, the circles I’ve been part with are explicitly aligned with the principles of Nonviolent Communication.
Speaking in the first person made me notice how easily I fell prey to:
- Blaming external factors, like specific people or society at large.
- Ignoring how I really feel and what I can actually do in my situation.
- Assuming things about others instead of acknowledging my own processes.
Moving the focus on what I feel rather than what I think helps me understand when my mind slips into vicious cycles because I actually just need to vent.
Taking my time teaches me that I can express myself confidently and openly, in spite of my harsh and loud inner critic who tells me I don’t have much to offer.
Listening without interrupting shows me that answers usually come by themselves, in time. At the right time. And they may be wildly different from the ones I thought were the most relevant.
Not judging others helps me not judge myself.
Embracing other people’s emotions helps me embrace my own, gently and kindly – without the need to understand, solve, or come up with a solution.
I could probably go on, but I feel a little bit tired now. So I’ll wrap it up.
All in all, I try to always keep in mind the values and agreements of the Circle Way even in my everyday life because it leads me to more authentic connections. It helps me clarify the distinction between talking and listening, so that I can speak my mind rather than platitudes or false assumptions and I can truly listen rather than thinking what to say next waiting my turn to talk.
Eat when you’re hungry, sleep when you’re tired. That kind of thing.
The biggest problem we carry, since it affects all the others is our isolation – from each other and from ourselves. […] We make our circles to help each other.
—Manitonquat
Some more context for the curious
I was introduced to the Circle Way by my friend Sario, who by the way is also a singer-songwriter. A few years ago we used to play together as an acoustic duo, and sometimes we still play together even to this day (such as in his latest song, N’amma stenn, and the first one he wrote in the dialect of our hometown).
At the beginning, I was intrigued by the possibility to try a different way to communicate and I was especially looking to improve as a listener.
When I took part in my first circle, I already knew 2 out of the 5 people present. But I remember vividly that I still didn’t feel very comfortable taking the floor because I didn’t want to waste their time by talking too long.
I was also a bit worried about disclosing too much information, and I think I was also feeling self-conscious and afraid to say something inappropriate.
It didn’t take me too long to learn that my concerns were unfounded.
Last month, after more than one year from my first circle, I had the chance to deepen this practice even with complete strangers from all over Italy.
It would take me too long to talk about that now. Suffice to say we didn’t stay strangers for long!
During these days they helped me see more clearly and process sides of myself that I have been dealing with for most of my life.
Does that mean that I have solved all of my issues now?
Of course not. But that’s not the point. The point is that now I am more aware, which is always the first step towards evolution.
And let us not forget always to celebrate!
—Manitonquat